I just returned from a three week vacation with my sister. We drove 4,000 miles and covered fourteen states. We talked almost every minute we were together. That, of course, is an exaggeration but not much of one.
In our journey we talked a lot of the things that we think about and things that hold us back. We shared our joys, pains and shed a few tears. The timing of this adventure could not have been more providential. I have been bobbing in a froth of numbness and non-purpose for the last eighteen months or so; ever since I stopped driving bus for the school district.
My frothy bob has been unsettling. It is the first time in my life that I've not had something to do, some need that required my effort, some outside thing pressing in to offer me the opportunity to be purposeful, directed and, more importantly, focused on anything but myself. My hope for this blog is to have a recording of what I can get out of myself so I can look at it more closely... more honestly. I want to be awake... ready to embrace myself and the world I live in.
I've been working toward this goal unconsciously. I post memes on Mirror Musings on FaceBook. The memes are created by me using my sister's Wisdom's Words combined with images I find online that seem to illustrated what I'm saying or otherwise visually support it. I've also been having an internal dialog that questions much of my actions and motivations. I've come to realize that I really haven't created a supportive environment around me. Some of that has to do with moving away from the area of my childhood home (where I had supportive people and an environment that was just there) across the country to where I knew no one. Some of it has to do with my not defining my need and being more assertive about searching out people to support me.
My sister meditates daily and, over the breadth of our vacation, I came to admire that. I've now started doing so myself, though I'm certainly just starting to get the hang of it. Mind you, getting your brain to shut up is a tough challenge.
In order to better know myself, I've also started leaning about the enneagram and its nine character classifications. I was so sure I was a 'helper'... a '2', but apparently not so. I took the online test and determined I'm a '9'... a 'peacemaker'. When I read the description, I recognized myself. Tears came to my eyes and I was humbled. I am eager to read more, but want to do this in a somewhat organized manner without sacrificing serendipity. The introduction of The Wisdom of the Enneagram suggest that one write out their life story in third person before going on. So, that is what I intend to do.
